A Cabbage Patch Doll in A Barbie World

(I wrote this almost two months ago and just found it again. Just thought I would share it...)

"Charm is *deceitful* and beauty is vain, 

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

Proverbs 31:30

I've grown up with comments like:

 "You have so much going for you, if you could just lose some weight." 

"Just try not to gain anymore weight, okay?"

"You ARE a large lady."

"Well, guys do like slim girls..."

People constantly trying to give me "subtle" diet hints, exercise tips, fitness app ideas, calorie counting, and the list goes on...

I've been larger than most girls my age since I was 12, probably even younger. It's only been in the past few years that I have felt like people watch me and judge me based on my appearance. However true or untrue that may be, the side glances and sometimes biting remarks make it seem like everyone is watching. I'm not unaware that I've got a little more to love. The truth is--I eat less than my friends eat, I love fruits and vegetables, and I basically only drink water (ever).

t h e r e  m u s t  b e  s o m e t h i n g  w r o n g  w i t h  m e,  r i g h t ?

If I don't look like other girls, how can I fit in? How will anyone ever think I'm beautiful? How would any guy ever want to marry me? etc...

One dear lady that I respect greatly, after praying for me, and even praying with me for a husband (it was so sweet) then proceeded to give me a talk about dieting, special meal replacement shakes, etc... What I didn't realize was how much that affected me! Thus started a year of lots of exercising and even healthier eating. I took up running (who am I kidding? You don't just "take up" running. It was hard work.), started counting calories, and ate smoothies for breakfast. Yes, I became one of "those" people. haha. I felt great. I lost 18 pounds. Then, something unexpected happened.

I got pneumonia--badly--for a month.
Bye bye running. Bye bye eating regime. Hello just trying to get better.

One thing after another (sickness, Anna's injuries & surgeries, etc..) and I still wasn't back to running. It finally hit me one day this Spring, while taking a walk with a friend, "I've been trying to lose weight to gain the approval of others. In essence, so that someone will want to marry me." Was it beneficial to my health, yes! However,  in the midst of all that striving after what the world sees as beautiful, guess what was forgotten in my life: God and time in His Word.

Today I've been thinking about Proverbs 31:30. Another version says, "...Beauty is fleeting..."

Do I really want to lose ground in my relationship with the Lord in order to become "beautiful," find a man, and get married? I'm not saying that marriage is wrong--I want to get married one day. I'm not saying that exercise is wrong--God didn't give us these bodies with lots of muscles to just sit around all day!

My thought is this:
Are we letting the world's definition of beauty shape our thoughts, our habits, and our lives? Maybe even allowing it to come through as a "Christian" viewpoint? Many say we HAVE to be "good stewards of our temples..."

Yes, but what about our souls? If my outward body is in shape but my inward man is wasting away, what good is that doing anyone? It's not doing me any good, that's for sure (or my family either, for that matter). When I'm not spending time with the Lord or in His Word, I'm grumpy, easily irritated, discontented, and the list goes on.

I'm tired of being defined by the world's standard of beauty. There is so much more to life than what size pants I wear or how much (or how little) make up I put on.

Don't let beauty (that is for a moment) distract you from the higher things.

"Yet will I praise Him"

In all honesty, I don't want this post to turn into a rant or anything of the sort. It's just time for an honest, vulnerable moment on my part.

This Fall, it has been incredibly difficult to stand and praise the Lord. 

He is so good, yet my flesh rises up and wants to control my own life. When trials come, I want to draw closer to Him, not further. These past few months have been truly trying...for the whole family.

In general, I never get sick. ever. Starting at the beginning of August, I had two colds during that month, then a cold in September that turned in pneumonia through most of October. After that, while trying to get back into running after a few weeks off, I twisted my right ankle. A week later, my left ankle over compensated. So I wasn't able to run for another two weeks. Ha! After that, a sinus infection mid-november with some allergies. (I went on a two week trip up to Connecticut the beginning of December). When I got back, I was sick for several days. It's been crazy.

I couldn't do evangelism.
I couldn't meet with the girl I wanted to disciple.
I could hardly pay attention at any Bible study.
All the part-time job opportunities I prayed about, every single door closed.

**It was rather discouraging. **

In the midst of all of this, Mom got a cold that turned into bronchitis; Aimee had a horrible sinus infection, allergies, with cold symptoms (most of the Fall); Charlotte got pneumonia and a stomach bug; Dad had some sinus issues; and Anna has finally recovered from her year of stomach problems and is now healing from a surgery/skin graft due to a third degree burn she got 3 weeks ago. (Poor darling!)


There were days it was hard to pray--hard to read the Bible--hard to think of anything but myself.  Over and over again I would repeat, "This I know that God is for me" and "The Lord does not forsake those who seek Him."

Finally, a few weeks ago, God gave me a breakthrough. I still got sick. The situation around me hadn't changed at all, just my perspective. In many ways, I feel like I failed a test that was put before me. To "Bless the Lord at all times; His praise will always be on my lips."

God doesn't change. 

I do. 

He is always good. 

He is the only good thing in me. 

One of my goals for 2013 is to truly praise the Lord (loudly if I need to) at all times. Especially when I am grumpy and things aren't going the way that I (in my fleshly, "I know better than you" attitude!).

Source

The name of this blog is "Spring of Joy" for a reason. Jesus is the fountain of life and joy. There is nothing else besides Him. That does not mean that I am always happy--just trying to truly live knowing that I am redeemed because of His sacrifice. 

What could give me more reason to rejoice?

Goodbye...

Today is the first day that I REALLY tried to run in about 2 weeks. That pneumonia really did it in for me during the end of September/beginning of October. Since my running/jogging buddy, Allie, is moving out of the country for about 5 months, today was our last run. *sad face*

I was only able to run a little over a mile. It was incredibly frustrating, but I know it's easier to get back into running after a break than it is to start from scratch. However, it was nice to just walk and talk for a while with her. I'm going to miss her SO much.

Meet "The running club!"
We took this picture a few weeks ago when we, unintentionally, wore the same colored shirt to run.
Haha. :)

Anybody want to be my new running buddy?